Has an influx of auto-DMs ruined your day more than once? Ever respond to an auto-DM thinking there was a real person there, only to be ignored and reduced to just another faceless Twitter account? It’s time for this injustice to stop! Join me in commemorating May 2011 as Anti-Auto-DM Month and let’s work together to finally put an end to auto-DM abuse!

Auto-DM abuse has been a persistent problem. A few years ago, people were blogging their brains out about their seething hatred for auto-DMs. Even after all the complaining, and one popular auto-DM service provider throwing in the towel, the main auto-DM dope man – SocialOomph – headed by my new arch nemesis Dewald Pretorius, is still offering the service.

While you would think auto-DM abuse would have died down since then, especially considering the backlash, I know first hand that it is still an issue. A sampling of auto-DMs currently in my Twitter inbox:

“Hello, Thx for Follow, If you looking for Affordable SEO Services – I provides complete SEO @99$/month. contact us today”

“I would like to thank you by suggesting the powerful tools and tips for internet marketing you will find at <link>”

“Hi! Pulse Card is looking for US based providers like you! Free sign up & free leads <link><email address>” (I live in Canada.)

This one was my favourite:

“Hey Opticon We are your Web Design and Development Partners <link>” to which I answered: “Great! I’m an SEO copywriter and I’d love to chat about working together.” No response.

What these auto-DM offenders don’t realize is that their automated messages are not only annoying the recipient, but also likely losing them followers and jeopardizing any business connections they’d hoped to make. It’s a lose-lose situation. I have yet to see any evidence in support of the effectiveness of auto-DMs for bringing in business or helping achieve any goal other than annoying people.

My question: does the owner of SocialOomph know that his service is still being used for evil? Why can’t he step in and put an end to the misery once and for all? And why doesn’t Twitter, which has several other anti-automation regulations, block the auto-DM function?

So far, only band-aid solutions have been offered. Pretorius suggests simply unfollowing the sender, or opting out of receiving auto-DMs, putting the onus on the innocent recipient to stop the abuse. This is not fair! Let’s get rid of pesky auto-DMs once and for all!

How You Can Help

Throughout the month of May 2011, I will be encouraging folks who share my sentiment regarding auto-DMs to sign a petition, which will be sent to Pretorius (and copied to Twitter headquarters) in hopes of swaying him to disable the auto-DM function of his service. There are several ways you can get involved:

•    SIGN THIS PETITION to disable the auto-DM function
•    Share the petition on Facebook and Twitter and encourage friends who agree to sign and spread the word
•    Send your thoughts to Pretorius directly through Twitter @dewaldp, and use hashtag #endautodms
•    Send your thoughts to @Twitter and use hashtag #endautodms

If we work together, we can put a stop to auto-DM abuse! Don’t let me down, dear citizens of the Internet!

Sincerely,

Opticon

Where do common expressions in the English language come from?

Long before Internet memes and hashtags, there were spoken expressions that stood the test of time. Even the best copywriters fall victim to their seduction, citing writer’s block, lack of sleep or general laziness as culprits. Sadly, clichés, idioms and other common expressions often signify lack of creativity, which is not something any writer wants to portray.

Some confusion exists about the difference between clichés and idioms. Idioms are always figurative — their actual meaning is different than the literal meaning, while clichés can be either literal or figurative. Clichés are considered to be overused expressions, while idioms are common, but not irritatingly frequent. When they are, they could also be considered clichés. (Yes, I’m dizzy, too). For example, you might hear someone say, “Those pants fit you like a smack in the mouth” on occasion and laugh, but the frequency of lines like ”I’m gonna leave the ball in your court” might irritate you, especially in business or dating, for example (that’s where it annoys me, anyway).

Fun fact: The word ‘cliché’ itself originated with printing. A cliché was a printing plate cast from movable type, also known as a stereotype. Phrases used repeatedly were cast together as a more efficient alternative to using individual letters.

Origins of Popular Idioms (which might also be considered clichés)

Where do these common expressions come from? I mean, I don’t know much about this hand basket but I sure don’t want to be in it if it’s going to hell.

Going to hell in a hand basket

Meaning: Going somewhere bad, fast.

Origin: This expression has been around since its first documented use in 1865 when I. Windslow Ayer alleged that Judge Morris of the Circuit Court of Illinois said “Thousands of our best men were prisoners in Camp Douglas, and if once at liberty would ‘send abolitionists to hell in a hand basket’.’’ Unfortunately, there is no documentation of its literal meaning.

Let the cat out of the bag

Meaning: Reveal a secret.

Origin: According to reports, this term originated in Medieval times when people purchased live farm animals at local markets and took them home in bags. Some of the less honourable merchants would replace the livestock with less expensive, more readily available cats, which the purchaser would not be privy to until they reached home, thus revealing the secret scam when they let the cat out of the bag.

A piece of cake

Meaning: An easy task.

Origin: One of the earliest documentations of this expression is from a 1936 poem called Primrose Path by American poet Ogden Nash. In it, Ogden states: “Her picture’s in the papers now, and life’s a piece of cake.” Others note that the expression came from the simplicity of eating and digesting a piece of cake.

An axe to grind

Meaning: A dispute that needs resolution.

Origin: This saying has been attributed to both Benjamin Franklin and Charles Miner, who both wrote about axe grinding. Their original uses of the term referred to someone who had been deceitful in order to get his axe grinded, aka he had an ulterior motive. James Joyce later used the term in Ulysses to describe someone with a dispute that needed resolution, although it’s not clear why this change in definition occurred.

A chip on your shoulder

Meaning: Negativity that you can’t shake.

Origin: There are different meanings and origins for this expression, but the one that seems to apply to its most well known meaning is the old custom documented around 1830 in North America. Young boys would place a chip of wood on their shoulders and challenge others to knock it off at their own peril. In other words, the boys with chips on their shoulders were looking for a fistfight.

Short end of the stick

Meaning: The less desirable option.

Origin: One of the first appearances of this expression can be traced back to 1542 in Nicolas Udall’s Apophthegmes, that is to saie, prompte saiyinges, which stated “As often as thei see theim selfes to haue the wurse ende of the staffe in their cause.” ‘Staff’ has since been replaced with ‘stick’ and the adjective at the beginning of the expression has been known to change, but ‘short’ has remained the most prolific.

Careful With the Clichés!

While language has changed significantly since the origin of some of these expressions, they continue to maintain strongholds on our collective rhetoric. When writing or reviewing the content someone else has written for your website, it’s best to avoid overly used expressions.

Not everyone is abreast of their actual meaning (people with English as a second language, for example) and they signify lack of ability to find your own voice.

Until we meet again… (oh no, that’s a cliché isn’t it?)

-Opticon

While Webcopyplus made a holiday donation to Kiva last Christmas, I opted to make a personal donation to the World’s Worst Website Foundation (a subsidiary of the Human Fund). With help from passionate supporters like you, we can raise awareness about common website wreckers and how best to avoid them.

Considering the awesome design options out there today, it’s alarming to know that people still make these mistakes.  Maybe they’re just too caught up in running their businesses to recognize their websites are in dire need of resuscitation, which is understandable, but that doesn’t mean we can’t help them!

I’ve decided to compile a list of bad web design victims I’ve encountered over the years, in hopes some of you design professionals out there will lend them a helping hand, and also to educate business owners on the benefits of consulting a professional.

1.) Ling’s Cars

In an effort to express her enthusiasm for selling luxury cars, Ling has gone a little too far with the flashing icons, talking heads, Nerf guns and Google spider food, resulting in a disconnect between her business and her clients, who probably enjoy the finer things more than neon paint splatters on their BMWs.

2.) Benson Packaging

While the intro to this packaging company’s website is entertaining in the way an epic war scene is entertaining, it’s unnecessary and does nothing to highlight why I should go to Benson for all my packaging needs. If I wanted to waste time, I’d rather watch the most boring cat video ever.

3.) Rent is Too Damn High

I’ll give Jimmy McMillan one thing – his viral videos are awesome, but unfortunately their genius is masked by a neon array of comedic fonts. Maybe you could help the guy out? He might even give you one of his awesome action figures!

4.) Breath Taker

This website presents a unique challenge: how do you improve the website of a web design company whose skills are in dire need of an update? Maybe what these guys need is a mentor to tell them that websites reminiscent of 80s hair band t-shirts will only appeal to a very small niche market.

5.) Cambie Plumbing and Heating

My heart truly goes out to this family business that’s been providing quality plumbing and heating services for Vancouver residents for a long damn time. Something tells me their expertise lies more in sump pumps and drain clogs than effective web marketing. Their site happens to be the work of the breathtaking web designers mentioned above, so if you’re feeling particularly generous, perhaps you could help two victims in need.

6.) Arctica Web

Here’s yet another example of the work of time traveling web designers. Is this merely an artifact of web designs of the past? Or are they still holding on for dear life in the fast-paced world of evolving design principles? One thing’s for sure – they need help.

7.) The World’s Worst Website

While on my quest to rescue hapless victims of bad design and content across the Web, I came across the bad website of all bad websites. This one acts as a lesson, however, illustrating a wide range of commonly made design mistakes, which would seem obvious to most, but apparently some people need to be reminded.

Making the Web a Better Place

If the above examples of web design tragedies have inspired you to fight the good fight — have a click and contact them. You’ll feel good about doing your part to make the Web a better place.

Until next time…

-Opticon

If you’re like me, you get irritated by overused headlines. Now that we’re entering ‘Best of 2010’ season, I’ve gone into hyper-eye-roll mode.

To help you waste your Internet time wisely, I’ve decided to be your ‘Best of 2010’ list curator. Of course, all of these are based around my penchant for web content, copywriting, web design, technology and marketing, and I rebelliously chose 9 instead of 10.

Here is my collection of the Best Best of 2010 Lists of 2010.

1.) The Tracy Awards — or the list of the worst ads of 2010 — ‘Where all the winners are losers’, features a Courvoisier ‘You Wish’ ad that wins for ‘best use of arrogance to remind us that cognac isn’t just for rich people and douchebags, but also for rich douchebags’.

2.) Twitter’s List of the Most Retweeted Tweets of the Year, three of which unavoidably have something to do with Justin Bieber. I’m trying my best to keep the Bieber to a minimum on my list, but unfortunately it’s impossible.

3.) PC World’s 100 Best Tech Products of 2010. #nerdboner.

4.) The Best Flash Sites of 2010. Although Flash isn’t the best choice for your business website for a number of reasons, you can’t deny its superhuman capabilities. Wonder why this one didn’t make the cut.

5.) The Best Free Fonts of 2010.  I used to design my own fonts in a little sketchbook when I was just a tiny bot.  Maybe I should have been a web designer.

6.) Is it wrong that I find reading about Google’s failures throughout the year extremely satisfying?

7.) Read Write Web’s list of Top 10 Startups of 2010, which excludes the predictable choices to help us broaden our horizons past foursquare (thank God).

8.) A user-friendly timeline of the Moments that Defined YouTube in 2010. Because you can check out the top videos according to region (and the Vevo list has way more Justin Bieber).

9.) Apple Design Award Winners for best applications for iPad and iPhone of 2010.  I’m upset that I don’t already have any of these.  Time to get my app game on for 2011!

– Opticon

As a fellow web marketing professional — whether you’re a web copywriter, web designer, web developer, or a business owner interested in learning about the best way to market your business online — I’m sure you follow a plethora of like-minded people on Twitter.

You’ve probably also noticed a pattern in the kind of headlines that enter your feed, some at a more irritating frequency than others.   These headlines purposely target high pressure points, and get incessantly regurgitated as a result.

Here’s how to recognize these repeat offenders and why you’d be better off to spend your clicks elsewhere.

New Development Signals Death of SEO!

These headlines are worse than a crazy guy wearing a sandwich board in Times Square, babbling incoherently about the impending end of days.  Don’t we have better things to do than fall for this fear mongering?

Of course there will be changes to the way search engines operate, but this certainly doesn’t signify the end of search engine optimization, but rather, a constantly changing concept to which we must learn to adapt.  Just like planet Earth has gone through changes in its climate, species, and geography, so, too, will this ever-dynamic Internet universe.  Fear not, my cyber disciples! The end is not near!

23 Things You Should Never Say on Twitter

These headlines are annoying unless they’re done in a hilariously brilliant fashion (as seen on The Oatmeal). The accompanying articles usually express violent opposition to people broadcasting what they’re eating or what other inconsequential tasks they’re completing to their social networks.

But, these articles often disregard one important fact about social media — its popularity can be partially credited to the little perverted voyeur in all of us.  Sometimes we DO care what you’re eating because we want to compare it to what we’re eating, or get inspiration for tonight’s dinner, or we’re storing it in our minds for the next time we meet so we can start a conversation about it IRL (no, not creepy at all, right?).

Deep down we all want to believe that the CEO of our favourite company shares our guilty pleasure for Funyuns.  Plus, it’s good to have a mix of subject matter in your Twitter feed so you can demonstrate that you’re a real person, and not just a robot pumping out blatant sales pitches 140 characters at a time.

Obviously, you shouldn’t do things like bash your employer on Twitter, but do people really need to be reminded of this?  If so, they deserve to be fired.

Aside from wise tips like this — go ahead, be yourself online! After all, that’s how people connect through social media, right?

Finally, a Surefire Way to Calculate Your Social Media ROI!

People who write headlines like this are smart.  They know that the elusive social media ROI is a pressure point for a lot of business owners trying to decide whether they should venture into the social media world.  Unfortunately, so many of these articles fall short, resulting in their sweeping categorization in our minds as wolf-crying disappointments.

How can you quantify the value of building relationships with current and prospective customers?  We know this practice has value, but the exact value depends on how you cultivate these relationships and how well you can turn online networking into real world connections, and social media driven site traffic into sales.

Social media is about participating in conversations, listening and constantly being visible and accessible so you’re top of mind next time a new or old customer is in the market for a professional or business with your qualifications.  In that regard, determining a formula for calculating exactly how much money you will make per tweet is a tall order.

On the other hand, with Twitter’s recently announced official analytics tool, we might actually be a step closer to authentic measurement practices.

Get a Beta Invite for Hyper Hype Mail!

Everyone will eventually be able to use the new product, so why do people freak out about being the first ones to use the beta version, which is likely full of bugs?

Remember when Gmail was invite-only? How many people are using Gmail now?  In fact, what was commonly viewed as a highly successful marketing tactic, and thus copied by many others since, was actually credited to paranoid engineers who thought the system would crash if too many signed up for a Gmail account at once.

Wait until the product is actually good, and let the tech nerds clamour for beta invites.  You can get the play by play on their blogs as they curse the bugs until it’s properly adjusted for optimal use.

How Social Media Is Changing Business (or Life, or Shopping, or the World, or Butt Scratching)

These articles usually begin with some dramatic generalized statement, such as ‘The world as we know it is completely turned inside out, upside down, right side left, etc. etc. thanks to the all powerful phenomenon known as… drum roll — SOCIAL MEDIA!’

Sure, just like the telephone and television and the Internet, new, widely adopted ways of communicating do affect every aspect of our lives because communication IS life.  We do it every day.   But, really, it’s not social media that’s changing the world, rather the way we choose to use it.

Need Help Finding A Good Headline?

Here’s a list of proven social media headline formulas you can customize for your content.  Just make sure they don’t end up looking like the headlines described above, or the accompanying content you’ve worked so hard to create may get left behind.

– Opticon

Between scouring the Internet for bad content and stunt doubling for Optimus Prime, I don’t get much time to chat with the ladies in real time, so what’s a web marketing superhero to do?  Megan Fox isn’t taking my calls, so it’s time to try online dating.  What can I write in my dating profile so I can be sure to maximize my ROI?

Copywriting to Sell Yourself

If you really think about it, writing the content of your dating profile to sell your best qualities and attract an ideal mate is a lot like writing copy that sells a product or service.   My buddy JW Tatum, founder of dating site www.yourdateability.com, agrees.

“Your online dating profile is comparable to promoting or advertising a product and that product is you,” he says. “To create a successful advertising campaign you must research, test, analyze, and make corrections.”   In other words, I have to get to know my ideal customer (no, I’m not a gigolo).

So I should understand what my ideal mate is looking for and refine my profile content according to what ladies like her are responding to, which leads to the next similarity between selling myself online (again, I will not accept money for services – I swear!) and selling a product or service online.

Dating Search Engine Optimization

Most online dating sites allow you to search common interests. What keywords will the woman of my dreams be searching for?  My ideal fembot would probably search for a guy who’s into fitness, design, writing, and sarcasm.  But, before I get carried away talking about my interests and going on and on in a self-absorbed fashion, I must remember another important copywriting tip.

Keep it Concise

Attraction coach Ronald Lee of www.artofattraction.ca says a good way to start writing your dating profile is to write everything you want your ideal mate to know about you, then start editing.

“Write enough to intrigue your audience and make them imagine what it would be like to be with you, but no more.  You want them to be curious or attracted enough to allow the next step,” he says.  This tip reminds me of the old copywriting trick of being specific about the problem, but not about the solution.  In that case I might write something like this:

Haven’t found Mr. Right yet?  Don’t worry, you’ve still got time before your operating system is obsolete.  Why not send me a message?  You might be surprised at how charming an articulate robot can be.

Is that too cheesy? Lee says that cheesy lines like ‘Ever notice how U and I are always next to each other on the keyboard?’ might get a laugh, but a well-written, concise, and charming profile that resonates with someone who shares my interests always wins (combined with a hot photo of course).

Update Your Content

Another similarity between your web copy and your dating profile content, is the consideration of attention spans.

“Competition for attention on most dating sites is quite fierce, so you want to regularly update your profile and create new content to catch people’s attention,” says Tatum.  “The truth is that people’s attention spans are short when browsing online dating sites.”

So, since I’m somewhat of a copywriting expert, I should have no problem creating a killer dating profile.  Now, all I need is a sexy photo shoot and I’m on my way to meeting the girl of my dreams!

I’ll let you know how it goes.

— Opticon

I’ve witnessed some horrific abuses of grammar and punctuation over the years and it’s about time someone stood up for these poor little words and symbols that can’t stand up for themselves. With that, I give you the first installment in my campaign to end grammar and punctuation abuse.

I’m officially declaring it’s Apostrophe Awareness Month! Never has a tiny dot with a tail endured so much misuse.  With your help, we can make a difference in apostrophe abuse by recognizing some of the worst offenders.

Being Too Possessive

“Free tequila shots before 11pm at Get Drunk Saturday’s inside the city’s hottest nightclub!”

Perhaps you’re trying to save trees by opting against a reprint for your club flyers, but this happens far too often for that excuse.  Maybe the real reason is that you really like apostrophe and want to keep him around whenever you can.  I can’t blame you — he is pretty cute.

Whatever your reason, please don’t force innocent little apostrophe to attend this party.  He may be legal drinking age, he may even like free tequila, but he just can’t support parties that disrespect him by forcing him into inappropriate pluralizations.  Next thing he knows, he’ll be waking up beside a semicolon wondering what the hell happened last night.  He will gladly accept an invitation to Jager Bomb Wednesdays, however; he likes those.

Painful Contractions

“Why are you’re rules so confusing?!”

Much like common grammar abuses such as the ‘their’/’they’re’/’there’ plague that confuses people regularly, when an apostrophe is thrown in the mix, people seem to get even more confused.

Apostrophe doesn’t mean to make things difficult for you. In fact, he wants to help you communicate to the best of your ability whenever he can.  Please understand that he needs to rest.  Don’t use him when he’s not needed.  In particular, never use him to combine the words ‘you’ and ‘are’ when what you really meant was ‘your’.

Making an A** of You and Me

“Punctuation’s unpredictability is part of it’s charm.”

Sometimes we make understandable assumptions regarding correct apostrophe use.  In this case, one would think that his use at the end of this sentence is correct, considering the way he’s applied in the first part of the sentence.  Wrong!

In punctuation, as in life, it’s dangerous to make assumptions.  The apostrophe is special like a snowflake, and he refuses to be susceptible to logical rules, much like the English language.  As such, he reserves the right to have special rules for his use, and for people to respect them.

Once you remember this one special rule, you’re on your way to a fulfilling relationship with apostrophe:  something that belongs to someone or something should be referred to as ‘his’, ‘hers’, or ‘its’.  The incorrect sentence above improperly used the contraction ‘it’s’, which actually means ‘it is’.

A Question of Whom

“I’ll tell you whose missing an apostrophe!”

At this point, you may be throwing your hands up in frustration, asking ‘Who does this apostrophe think he is?! How many special rules can one piece of punctuation have?!’

Apostrophe promises you, that even though he may be a complex fellow, he’ll always be consistent.  For example, when you want to contract the words ‘who’ and ‘is’, he’s always happy to help.  In the above sentence, the word ‘whose’ actually means, ‘belonging to whom’ (we’ll get into the who/whom debate later on in the campaign).

The Campaign Continues…

Are you confused by grammar and punctuation rules?  Stick around! I’ll be covering more common mistakes as the campaign to end grammar and punctuation abuse continues.

Your punctuation pal,
The Deleter

Greetings, good Internet people! I’m Opticon’s sidekick, The Deleter. I specialize in exterminating spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors with a vengeance!

I wasn’t the most popular guy in school, but rest assured all those years spent studying proper language use instead of frivolous things like ‘sports’ and ‘dating’ have really paid off! Now, I’m an esteemed Internet superhero who helps well-meaning folks like you break bad language habits so you can confidently deliver your message to the masses without error or embarrassment.

Over my years of scouring the Internet for traces of technical violations I’ve noticed that some similar sounding words confuse many of you, and I’m here to get rid of this confusion once and for all.

Here’s my list of commonly confused words and their proper, and improper, uses.

Accept/Except

Accept: To receive
Except: To exclude

Wrong:

Right:

As a superhero working in the constantly evolving Web, I must be prepared to accept change, and I will do so like a brave warrior on a new frontier, except when the English language becomes a casualty.

Adapt/Adopt

Adapt: To Adjust to
Adopt: To accept formally, or take as one’s own

Wrong:

Right:

To my dismay, I had to adapt to my status as a dateless wonder in high school as my female classmates became irritated by my constant need to correct their grammatical errors. Fortunately, the ladies of the online dating scene have been more than impressed by my articulate profile. I hope my new superhero role will cause women everywhere to adopt this opinion, especially when they see how I correct online typos faster than you can say Isaiah Mustafa! (Ahem, Armando — I believe you’re missing an ‘e’ in ‘presence’.)

Affect/Effect

Affect (v): To influence
Effect (v): To bring about; (n) result

Wrong:

Right:

Improper language use in this blog post may affect the reader’s ability to accept the claim that the writer is smart. In fact, the many errors in this post may have an adverse effect on the writer’s credibility.

Complement/Compliment

Complement: Complete
Compliment: Praise

Wrong:

Right:

When I was in school, I would have thought my teacher was taking LSD if she suggested that colors have the ability to give each other compliments. Blue and orange may be complementary, but they’re certainly not being vocal about their admiration for each other.

Loose/Lose

Loose: Unattached
Lose: To suffer loss

Wrong:

Right:

I don’t think Michael Phelps is a fan of anything loose. In fact, last time I checked, he was wearing a pretty tight Speedo! As to whether he should lose his endorsements, that’s another argument.

Principal/Principle

Principal: Chief person or thing
Principle: A rule of conduct

Wrong:

Right:

I agree; a good principal is essential. My principal always stood up for me when I was bullied in high school because of my superior spelling skills. He always did his best to ensure students were living up to the school’s principles of good behavior.

Stationary/Stationery

Stationary: Not moving
Stationery: Writing materials

Wrong:

Right:

I’ve never been much of an athlete (see my skinny arms for evidence), but I’m a big supporter of more stationary activities like writing, which is especially enjoyable if you’re using nice stationery.

Than/Then

Than: To compare
Then: At that time, or next

Wrong:

Right:

Nothing brings me more joy than finding articles on the Internet full of grammatical errors, then showing off my superior skills by correcting them. Chand, please proof your prose!

Don’t Let It Happen to You!

Stick with us, and we’ll help you avoid similar mistakes. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to see if any hot grammar teachers are waiting for me on Plenty of Fish..

Follow Opticon and I for our latest tips @Opticon_

Meticulously yours,

— The Deleter

There’s a prolific villain on the loose that must be stopped.  It’s a complex shape shifter and not easy to track to the untrained eye.  The villain, my good people of the Internet, is bad web copy, and it’s infecting the Web, leaving traces on websites, blogs, social networks — everywhere! Your website may have already been infected, and the damage immeasurable.

I, Opticon, have taken it upon myself, as part of my duties of making the Web a better place, to teach you how to spot bad content on your website and prevent further infection.  So grow some virtual cajones and listen up!  You may learn your web copy has been hit, and it’s not gonna feel good.

The Long-Winded Attack

The Objective

The villain has infected your web copy with lengthy, irrelevant information to drive customers away out of sheer boredom, comparable to a virtual sleeper hold that drains website visitors, and your bottom line, like a blood-thirsty leech.

The Side Effects

Unnecessarily long-winded web copy that doesn’t deliver relevant information not only makes the visitor’s eyes glaze over like tiny honey crullers, but it also makes you look like you’ve lost your focus and faith in your business.  Your copy has been puffed up with a bunch of fancy, idealistic words that cloud your brand message rather than describing exactly why your business is the best choice.

What It Looks Like

Original source

This copy outlines the company’s vision and mission well if their vision includes boring people to death.   Rather than providing clear and concise information on the company’s mission to provide quality software products for businesses, the bad copy villain makes it sound like they’re trying to change the universe, with lengthy, vague, idealistic language.  If you’re going to make such claims you better be precise about how you intend to make the world a better place, or people will be less than impressed when they find out you’re only trying to sell them computer software.

The best thing about this example is the quote at the end, which must the villain’s cruel joke.

“Life is too short to settle for anything less than excellence.”
Doug Deane, President and Founder

I couldn’t agree more; life is too short to bore people stiff with painfully long copy!

The Scattered Attack

The Objective

The villain’s objective with the scattered copy attack is to confuse website visitors so much that they get frustrated and frantically hit the back button.  Tactics include headlines that don’t directly relate to content, and copy sprinkled with information that defies all logic.

The Side Effects

Scattered web copy that doesn’t stick to a clear, logical outline frustrates the reader and implies inferior thinking skills on your part.  People visiting your site will likely conclude that you do business inefficiently, like your thought process, and go off on tangents that waste time and money.  They’re certainly not going to feel confident about investing in your products or services if there’s no clear explanation of what you do.

What It Looks Like

Original source

This web page is a perfect example of one that’s been compromised by scattered copy.  The headline implies that the content is going to tell us how to get a low cost payday loan, but then it goes off on a lengthy tangent about what a payday loan is, then why payday loans are good, while not remaining focused on why I should choose Maycash over other payday loan companies.  The ideal messaging is present, but it’s hidden within a scattered attack of extraneous, poorly organized, distracting information.

The Vague Attack

The Objective

We’ve all heard of the concept of ‘thinking outside the box’ and all the wonderful innovations that supposedly occur ‘outside the box’.  The bad copy villain capitalizes on this popular saying by contaminating copy with content that’s so far outside the box it’s indecipherable.

The Side Effects

It’s true; people were once romanced by this enigmatic concept, thinking that if they didn’t get it, maybe it was just too advanced for their comprehension. “Wow! I don’t get it. They must be smart — really smart!”  Unfortunately, it’s been overused and has become recognized as a mask for inadequacy, prompting people to direct their eyes to competitors that outline concrete results.  The villain, in this case, has made your business look dishonest, or like a space cadet who can’t connect the dots.

What It Looks Like

Original source

This is a literal example of how vague the box can be.  This copy doesn’t give the visitor any indication of what kind of innovative things Stratix is doing with their document management services.  And I don’t know about you, but document management ‘outside the box’ doesn’t sound sexy to me at all.  It sounds ridiculous.  I prefer to keep my documents ‘in the box’, thank you very much.  Then I don’t lose anything.

Bad Spelling and Grammar Attack

The Objective

The bad content villain wants to make you look completely incompetent by littering your copy with spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors.  Sometimes, for an extra evil touch, he’ll even copy and paste the exact same errors throughout your website!  What a jerk.  My sidekick, The Deleter, would love to sink his teeth into this one.

The Side Effects

This is pretty straightforward.  Bad spelling, grammar and punctuation makes you seem either: a) like you’re not overly bright; or b) that you cut corners and don’t bother getting your marketing materials proofread.  This will probably lead potential customers to think you’re also incompetent in business, and remove themselves from your prospects altogether.

What It Looks Like

Original source

This site endured a particularly cruel hit by the bad content villain.  In fact, it’s so bad it looks like it’s been abandoned altogether (I think it’s safe to say IE 6 is no longer the “most common ‘borwser’ on the Internet”).  If you look closely, you’ll see the same typos repeated throughout the site. Perhaps the company went out of business after failing to qualify their name. It’s a real shame.

Help Fight the Evil!

By learning how to recognize these bad copy attacks on your own web content, you’re one step closer to building unstoppable web branding, and fending off the damaging effects of bad copy.

Stay tuned for more of my tips for making the Web a better place.

— Opticon, Defender of Good Web Copy

Follow The Deleter and I @Opticon_.